I’m sitting at home, while yet another child takes their newly earned driver’s license, the keys to the car, and off, he goes! I’m thrilled for him, yet what I really want to do is run after him, grab him, and smother him with my words of love, fear, excitement, and sadness.
Imagine how that would go over with a sixteen-year-old boy? Instead, I give him a hug and say; “Be safe, have fun!”
I’d Like to Hold On and Never Let Him Go
This is the one, that just last year; we went through nine Remicade (chemo) treatments for his newly diagnosed Crohn’s Disease. He is attending school part-time, due to chronic fatigue. I’d like to hold him tightly and never, ever let him go.
Not one time has he complained, or questioned, “Why me?” Thank God I modeled that for him. As a little boy, he watched how I handled myself with my health challenges. Neither of us ever imagined that he would need to use those examples first hand.
I’m so overcome with emotion, but I’m casually sending him off with a, “Be safe, have fun!”
On the outside, this may look like it takes strength, but in reality, its dignity that is required of this mom. Dignity, not to cry out my words of love, fear, excitement, and sadness. Dignity happens when our thoughts are screaming one thing, yet we are able to act in another manner.
Heartbeat—Heartbreak as My Baby Boy Waves Good Bye
As his mom, I am filled with so many mixed emotions. My words and thoughts show that. Love, that’s easy to figure out. Fear, well just look at the statistics of teenage boy drivers. Less cautious, more testosterone than girls, and more aggressive driving behavior. Fear that as he faces challenges, I won’t be at his side, guiding and helping. Fear that he’ll make choices, that I wish he wouldn’t.
Excitement is for his sense of freedom, his rite of passage. A driver’s license is a big deal. Excitement at seeing him become this young man whom I can trust with the car keys.
The sadness; fighting the tears, my Baby Boy, yes, that’s what I call him. He’s the youngest of my three sons. Next, he’ll be going off to college soon. I know. I’ve been through this before.
My baby boy is growing up, and becoming independent. Am I really ready for that? Oh wait, this isn’t about my being ready.
Sometimes this dignity thing is hard. It’s difficult to show everyone else that you’ve got “it” together, when maybe in reality, it just plain doesn’t feel that way? What good would it serve to speak the words and thoughts screaming in my head?
Baby Boy, needs to take the car keys, and enjoy being sixteen, with a new driver’s license. “Be safe, have fun!”