It’s back. Fear. I wasn’t admitting or talking about my fear. I pretended, it wasn’t there. And then, I had to.
“Deanna, I already told you three times, I’m not repeating myself.” Dave claims with a raised voice.
I can’t hide any more. In actuality, I wasn’t really hiding. It was there, just waiting. On occasion, there is a part of me, that is having problems with my short term memory. Not only did I say it out loud, I’m writing about it. I’m not going to hide from it.
On January 1, 1999 I suffered a cerebral hemorrhage. As a result, I suffered extreme pain for ten years, and then poor health for another four years with still severe head pain. When I met my mentor Mary Morrissey I learned a technique that I had actually heard of years earlier, but with a twist that really brought it home for me. I learned to live from that which we want.
In practical easy to understand, breaking down a long story, I began, “Being Healthy”. I came from the image of my being healthy, with strong vibrant health. Having energy to go about my day in whatever way I choose.
What does this have to do with fear? I wanted to stay focused on and living from an image of my being healthy. If I acknowledged my occasional lack of memory, then I wasn’t living from my vision of health. Or so I convinced myself. And yet, the fear was lurking. And fear loves darkness, it breeds in there.
After the not so pleasant conversation with my husband, admitting that I knew I was experiencing some memory challenges and that I had intentionally not told him, we scheduled a brain scan. And I began telling my colleagues and children. I even made the decision to chronicle the walk of moving from the darkness of fear into shining the light of awareness, and calling out my fear of my brain’s functioning ability.
You see, I’m working on my second book. A memoir of sorts. Even writing that and having that in print, I know my editor is not going to be happy. She advises me not to talk about the book, yet. Maybe this will be part of the new ending. I don’t know.
What I do know is, that for now, I’m talking about the fear that I know I’m facing. It’s stirring up the whole balancing the schedule with appointments, travel to the appointments, filling out endless forms, and insurance, or lack of payment. Stuff that I was happy was behind me. Not any more. It’s back.
Strength – to shine the light of awareness on my fear, not leaving it breeding in the darkness.
Dignity – acknowledging that it was the fear of what might be going on in my brain, that had me hiding.
Grace – even though I teach transformation, I’m not perfect. I have my flaws, and I’m going to give myself a pass on being frozen with fear. I forgive myself.